I worry that I don’t ‘get’ romance and am disappointing my husband

I person been joined to my husband for more than 50 years. We joined arsenic teenagers and are present successful our 70s. We emotion each other, and are successful love.

The occupation is I don’t look to person a romanticist bony successful my body. My hubby is romantic, and I either ne'er notice oregon I think, “What’s the point?” I bash try, but it ever seems perfunctory, and I cognize helium is disappointed erstwhile I don’t “get it”.

My parents didn’t amusement immoderate signs of romance to each other, nor did I spot it successful my overmuch older sister’s marriage. I ne'er work romanticist novels successful my teenage years. Even now, successful my extended reading, immoderate romanticist bits are an irritation to me.

I cognize this causes my hubby distress, and I would emotion to make this portion of myself for his sake. I conscionable don’t cognize how. Any ideas?

Almost each week erstwhile I sermon that week’s occupation with my specializer we ponder connected the “why now”, i.e. wherefore has that idiosyncratic chosen to constitute successful astatine that moment? Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes it truly isn’t. This week’s specialist, UKCP-registered psychotherapist Lorraine Davies-Smith, and I were some funny arsenic to wherefore you were penning successful now.

Has thing happened? Being joined for much than 50 years and saying you inactive emotion – and are successful emotion with – each different is simply a large achievement. However, portion I would similar to commend you connected that (because successful consequent correspondence with maine you branded yourself arsenic a “bit of a failure”, and you truly aren’t), I realise you are asking a question.

Davies-Smith wondered if “there’s thing astir reaching the aboriginal signifier of beingness and having a unit to ‘get it right’? Or, has 1 of you had an unwellness oregon immoderate different lawsuit that has thrown up the request to ‘take attraction of things’ portion you inactive can?” Of course, the different evident question is, what is being romantic?

“What bash you specify arsenic romantic? What does your hubby deliberation is romantic?” asks Davies-Smith. “Romance has antithetic expressions for antithetic couples. For some, it’s showing carnal affection, similar kissing each different hello/goodbye oregon holding hands. For others, it tin beryllium “gestures”, specified arsenic buying unexpected gifts oregon peculiar dinners, oregon simply cooking a favourite meal. Or showing the different you are holding them successful caput oregon caring for them successful ways specified arsenic watching TV programmes that your spouse likes but you don’t, oregon buying their favourite foods. Or is romance present a euphemism for intimacy and sex?”

It sounds arsenic if, possibly, you some talk a antithetic “love language” and truthful you don’t recognise erstwhile your hubby is being romantic. It’s imaginable that you are romantic, but not successful the mode your hubby recognises, either. I deliberation it’s beauteous romanticist that you wrote in!

This explanation of what romance means is important. Someone buying flowers connected Valentine’s Day – which is deemed romanticist by galore – leaves maine cold. However, erstwhile my dada died and I couldn’t carnivore to wide retired his “shed” (actually a cellar helium rented) due to the fact that it was afloat of his things, and wherever helium and I utilized to beryllium and chat – and nary 1 other successful the household was funny – my hubby stepped up. I inactive respect that arsenic 1 of the astir romanticist things he’s ever done. I knew I could spot him to differentiate betwixt the sentimental and the throwaway. I felt seen, listened to and taken attraction of, and that, to me, is romantic. When you deliberation of it similar that it whitethorn amusement you that romance takes connected galore guises.

You cognize 1 of the astir romanticist things a mates tin bash is to speech to each different – to truly communicate. This is the fig 1 gateway to intimacy. Not each day, but regularly, could you marque clip to beryllium down/go for a locomotion (some couples find it easier to speech erstwhile broadside by side) with your hubby and speech astir things you’ve done for each different that truly mattered? You don’t person to usage the connection romanticist to picture them if it makes you cringe (I cringe astatine the operation “date night”, for example). You whitethorn beryllium amazed to spot that your narration is already afloat of romanticist gestures, you conscionable whitethorn not recognise them arsenic such.

You whitethorn besides find the podcast I did with Dr Stephen Blumenthal connected intimacy absorbing – you tin perceive to it here.

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a idiosyncratic occupation sent successful by a reader. If you would similar proposal from Annalisa, delight nonstop your occupation to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot participate into idiosyncratic correspondence. Submissions are taxable to our presumption and conditions. The latest bid of Annalisa’s podcast is disposable here.