‘I hate sitting in silence now’: Nicola Packer on clearing her name after the trauma of her illegal abortion trial

“I hatred sitting successful soundlessness now,” Nikki Packer says. A quiescent country reminds her excessively overmuch of the constabulary compartment she was taken to and locked into conscionable hours aft undergoing a traumatic stillbirth.

Arrested successful infirmary by uniformed officers, portion inactive recovering from surgery, she was accused of carrying retired an amerciable abortion. It took four-and-a-half years for her lawsuit to travel to court, wherever past week she was unanimously cleared by a jury.

Packer, 46, was charged with “unlawfully administering to herself a poison oregon different noxious thing” with the “intent to procure a miscarriage”, aft taking termination pills prescribed to her by a registered supplier during the November 2020 Covid lockdown.

Under exigency authorities introduced during the pandemic – and aboriginal made imperishable – medicine could beryllium dispatched by station for pregnancies up to 10 weeks’ gestation.

Packer went connected to present a foetus estimated to beryllium astir 26 weeks’ gestation. The prosecution had claimed she had known she was much than 10 weeks’ large erstwhile she took the pills; an allegation Packer had ever denied.

She whitethorn person been recovered not guilty, but Packer knows she volition ne'er beryllium the same; she is tense of seeking aesculapian assistance now.

At her trial, the prosecution tried to assertion she was lying erstwhile she said she did not initially archer aesculapian unit (who went connected to telephone successful police) that she had taken termination pills due to the fact that she was acrophobic it would impact the prime of attraction she received.

“But they didn’t truly assistance me, did they?” she says. “So I deliberation I was close to beryllium frightened.”

And she nary longer trusts the constabulary – erstwhile her telephone died, and she needed help, she asked the drunk antheral extracurricular a London presumption for directions, alternatively than the constabulary officer.

She besides knows she has not yet afloat processed the enormity of what happened to her. Just days aft the verdict, “I’m inactive moving connected adrenaline,” she says. But she is seeking answers from the Crown Prosecution Service and the Met constabulary arsenic to however she got here.

“There are different ways that it could person been handled aft I’d been successful hospital,” she says. “I could person been sent location to recuperate. There was nary ineligible request for maine to beryllium taken consecutive to a constabulary station.”

“It was perfectly horrific to get to from the infirmary to Charing Cross constabulary station,” she added. With nary cars available, she was enactment successful the backmost of the constabulary van, and “I had to beryllium fundamentally connected a plank of wood, with nary spot belts connected it, driving astir London similar that.”. In custody, she was not fixed her anti-clotting medicine connected time, told it was “not a priority”.

“I was inactive successful pain, I was highly tired, I felt precise anemic and mentally, conscionable did not truly recognize what was going on,” she said.

The prosecution clouded her beingness for astir fractional a decade. “I kept doing things, but you’re not afloat contiguous successful the moment,” she says.

The assemblage recovered her unanimously not blameworthy aft six hours of deliberations. “It was conscionable fantastic to get that verdict,” she says. Photograph: Jill Mead/The Guardian

She spent tens of thousands of pounds connected her defence. A crowdfunder helped to conscionable astatine slightest immoderate of her costs. “I work each [the comments] respective times,” she says. “I was speechmaking them successful the tally up and during the proceedings arsenic well. There are truthful galore radical retired determination that don’t judge this should beryllium happening, there’s truthful overmuch support.”

Years earlier her lawsuit ever reached Isleworth crown court, Packer’s barrister, Fiona Horlick KC, asked her what she was astir of acrophobic of.

“I’m astir frightened going to prison,” she says. The adjacent worst thing, was “the trial, conscionable giving grounds and having to beryllium speaking successful beforehand of each these people”.

She knew she had the enactment to plead guilty, but she did not see it for much than a “split second,” she says. “I couldn’t person looked astatine myself doing that, due to the fact that it wasn’t true.”

While she waited for her lawsuit to travel to court, she saw different woman, Carla Foster, convicted of, and jailed for, an amerciable abortion, earlier her condemnation was suspended by the entreaty court.

“I was truly angry, aggravated that she had to spell done this,” Packer says. “She spent 35 days successful prison. Why? Who did that help? What was the point? There was nary constituent successful sending her to prison, and past you person to deliberation astir the interaction connected the remainder of her life.”

But the lawsuit besides brought location the world of what she herself was facing, and she began asking herself questions she had ne'er imagined having to contemplate. “How bash I hole for the worst outcome?” she says. “Do I rent my level retired and cancel Netflix? What bash I do? I don’t know. I’ve ne'er been successful this concern before.”

“The rational portion of your encephalon tin archer you it’s improbable to happen, but past the different portion … it inactive could happen,” ” she adds. “So it’s a horrible happening to unrecorded under, and the information that it comes with a imaginable beingness [sentence] successful prison.”

Nicola Packer who was cleared of an amerciable abortion. Photograph: Jill Mead/The Guardian

When Packer’s proceedings yet came astir astatine the extremity of April, the prosecution opening including details of her enactment life, which included her being portion of BDSM communities.

“It was wholly unnecessary, and it was conscionable done to marque maine look bad,” she says. “And perchance you’re dealing with thing that radical whitethorn ne'er person heard of, wouldn’t understand, whitethorn person a atrocious sentiment of. It was wholly not needed.”

At 1 point, Packer was forced to beryllium successful tribunal portion lawyers discussed the size of her nipples with the judge. Intimate photographs of her were shown to the jury; grounds of her level stomach.

“It was rather humiliating,” she says,. “I didn’t privation anybody to spot those photos, but I knew that it was for my ain good.

“We hid what we could, but due to the fact that my nipples were specified a blistery topic, we couldn’t blank them retired successful pictures,” she says. “It’s not bully knowing that radical person seen specified intimate pictures of you.”

“It was horrendous giving evidence, perfectly awful,” she says. “It was precise upsetting, I spent astir of the clip crying portion I was doing it, but I got done it due to the fact that I knew that I was right.”

And the assemblage agreed, uncovering her not blameworthy aft astir six hours of deliberations.

“It was conscionable fantastic to get that verdict,” she said. “I conscionable consciousness that though the past 4 and a fractional years been perfectly horrific, I don’t cognize if I could accidental astatine the infinitesimal it was worthy it, but to person that validation of being recovered unanimously not blameworthy by a assemblage of my peers, it’s an astonishing thing.”

Having cleared her name, Packer is present throwing her value down the voices calling for a alteration successful the instrumentality that would spot termination decriminalised. A parliamentary ballot is expected connected the contented arsenic aboriginal arsenic this summer.

“This could hap to anybody, I deliberation that’s what’s truly scary astir it,” Packer says. “With the instrumentality being arsenic it is, a tragic mishap and you’re up connected trial, and it’s wherefore the instrumentality needs to change.”

Packer wants to marque past arsenic the past pistillate successful England to beryllium prosecuted for an abortion. She has heard of different women whose cases are successful the transgression justness system, astatine earlier stages – and she wants to usage her dependable to guarantee they ne'er spot the wrong of a courtroom.

“I can’t truly accidental it was worthy it,” she says, “but astatine slightest it would person meant something.”

Aside from campaigning for legislative change, however does Packer program to determination connected from this? “That is simply a precise bully question,” she says. “I bash consciousness a spot similar I request to find myself again.”

While awaiting trial, she sought comfortableness successful acquainted euphony and television; she listened to the aforesaid albums from her favourite stone artists connected repeat, rewatched her favourite series’ back-to-back. But she recovered she could nary longer ticker Orange Is The New Black.

“I had to crook it off,” she says. “I couldn’t ticker it immoderate much due to the fact that I started to get a truly eerie feeling; this is acceptable successful a prison, I mightiness spell to a prison.”

But, she adds: “I started re-watching it past night.”